Season 2 returns, with the malevolent pair continuing to relate tales of horror, normally
prompted by Rodge's stupidity, naivety, or horniness.
Rodge arrives home, complaining about almost breaking his neck on Granny's vital organs (she'd left them lying on the stairs),
and asks Podge for the lotto results. Podge, despite having just
checked for the numbers, declares that he'd forgotten. He claims that gambling is a mug's game
anyway, and cites the tale of Lorcan Piles, the winner of Ireland's biggest ever jackpot,
£12million. Piles was originally from Bumford, near Castlecolon. He had moved to Dublin along
with his best friend, Mossy McHoúlicán, and the 2 were working in the slaughterhouses in
Ring's End. Each week, Lorcan would fill out his lotto numbers, and wait for the draw. Until one
week, he hit the jackpot. He and Mossy celebrated long into the night, with Lorcan claiming that
the money would not come between them, and that they'd always be best friends. He offered
Mossy a treat of his choice - no expense spared. Mossy's request was an unusual one - he wanted
the woman from an ad he'd seen in "one of them magazines". The woman, Carmel Sutra, offered
25 positions in a one night stand. (She was obviously a big Prince fan...). Rodge attempts to
mentally tick off 25 positions, and gets as far as 2. Lorcan arranges for Mossy's night of pleasure, but
Carmel Sutra arrives at his place at 7.00pm the next evening - before Mossy returns from work.
Lorcan could not resist the handcuff-wielding beauty, and succumbs to her charms. She
pleasured him in 25 different ways - his wellies remaining intact for all - and then she
finished him off by slitting his gizzard. When the lotto representative called the next day, Mossy
handed over the winning ticket, and takes the £12m cheque. A "thieving, murdering,
double-crossing arsagán", if you will. As Rodge notes, the "hoor was the lure". Rodge settles
down to sleep, Podge takes his lotto ticket to "bin" it, and checks the numbers once more. One
small win later, he is on the phone to Ballydung Escort Agency, setting up a rendez-vous with
Miss Fantasia, requesting that she "bring the clamps".
It appears that the 2 boys' boat "has finally come in", as two women move in next door. Squints
McCabe from The Pumps claims that the new neighbours are Lesbians, from Lesbania, one of
those "Eastern Commie bloc countries", according to Podge. Rodge recommends going around
to knock on their door, "with our tools in our hands". To fix anything that may be broken,
naturally. He expresses a desire to visit one of them "uninhibited holiday resorts", and launches
into one of his feckless tirades about "naked hot oiled flesh". Podge attempts to settle him down,
saying that he'd "drink from a hoor's slipper" before embarking on one of those holidays from
hell. The tale of Michael "Micky" Scratcher is told. Micky had been a "holy Joe", and a month
before his ordination as a priest, he set off on a pilgrimage to the Tomb Of St. Recta And The
Seven Ninjas, in South America. His mother was the only one to show up at the airport as he
departed; his "no-good gobsheen" brother Willy was nowhere to be seen. The chain-smoking
agent in Spewtum's Travel had little information for Micky about the country, saying only that it
was a "fierce far away place", and warning him against using taxis there. Needless to say, with
no buses in the backward country ("like Roscommon" - Rodge), Micky was reduced to taking a
taxi to his hotel. In what is undoubtably his finest disguise to date (Ocean Colour Scene
fisherman's hat, sunglasses, Lemmy from Motorhead's handlebar moustache, shirt, tie and a
spliff the size of his head), Podge plays the part of Micky's taxi driver - "my name is Pinose. I am
your hotel special taxi driver". En route to the hotel, the taxi was overtaken by another vehicle
with armed militia sitting on the bonnet. Micky was dragged from the car into what appeared to
be the local cop shop. "He must have shat himself!!". The taxi sped away as the police emptied
his luggage, and placed a planted bag of opium before him. Micky was beaten and locked up,
and taken to a courtroom three days later. Pinose returned, complete with spliff, this time as his
lawyer. He told Micky that he was in "muchos trouble, señor". The Irish embassy would not
assist him in drug-related matters. Micky pleaded guilty for leniency. He was hung by the neck.
"Leniency" meant a quick death, as opposed to a slow and painful ordeal. His body was sent
home for burial. His brother Willy surprised all by showing up at the funeral. He stayed by the
graveside all night. When their mother returned the next morning to pay her respects, she was
greeted with the sight of her son's desecrated body. With his insides missing. "What had the mad
brother done with Micky's insides?" Micky's insides had never made it back from South America
- but been replaced with 30 kilos of pure opium. Willy had used his brother as a human corpse
carrier. "With a street value of over £20million, the bad bastard was never seen again". The 2
turned their attention back to their Lesbian neighbours, deciding that it must have been ages
since they had a bit of meat inside them. Tongue sandwiches were recommended...
Podge rebukes Rodge for letting Pox "at me nuts - he's licking the salt off them". As the house
falls asunder around them, Rodge expresses a desire to move. Podge recounts the misery of
moving house, just like the McArdles - the victims of the Curse of Muff Cottage. The family -
Ardle, his wife Gimpna, and their baby Urinal, had been looking for a house in Dublin ("where
all the Dublin PONCES live") - in BALLSbridge, and StillORGan. Alas, "the property market
had gone mental". They were forced out to Hogger's Hill, a town 40 minutes from Dublin. They
were strangely drawn to Muff Cottage, and bought it for a good price. They moved in, and began
to make the house theirs. Except it worked the other way round. The first odd sign was the
heating - there would be a cold chill in the house in August, and it would be unbearably warm in
winter. Blood would pour from the taps, the furniture would shake, and there was a plague of
cockroaches. The final straw was when they found Urinal, who hadn't yet begun to walk, sitting
on top of the chimney pot. They went to the local priest, Fr. Phlegm, with a view to getting the
place exorcised. The priest, who had been expecting the new owners of Muff Cottage, claimed
that there was nothing he or God could do. He recommended that they leave the house. If they
could. That night, as sewage seeped through the floorboards, and incessant scraping and
scratching came from the walls, Urinal slept in his parents' bed for his own safety. At 2.00am,
there was silence. Until the house spoke. Through the baby monitor that Ardle had left plugged
in, an "unholy guttural voice" told the McArdles that "you can never leave me". The petrified
family ran from the house, never looking back, leaving everything. 14 months later, having
sorted out their new life in Australasia, the McArdles were enjoying an afternoon glass of wine
when young Urinal uttered his first words - "you can never leave me!!" "For the love of St.
Concepta and the Seven Ninjas!!" They could leave the house, but the house would never leave
them. Rodge noticed a bulge in the ceiling, and warned Podge about where it was going to fall. It
fell on Rodge's head. "Thanks, house", said Podge. "No problem", said the house.
The tale begins with the 2 enjoying the benefits of a weight loss machine. Rodge has the patches
slapped to his face, while Podge's vibrating patches are out of sight, and he is emitting moans,
groans and sighs of pleasure. Rodge asks if he appears to have lost weight - "no, you still look
like a 200lb gobsheen to me". Podge compares Rodge's fixation with losing weight to that of
Willy "Pudgy" Ring from Toolend. Willy was quite a large man, but had had very little luck in
losing weight over the years, regardless of what new-fangled fads he had tried. In 1985, a new
diet pill came on the market. Having taken just one pill, people were allowed to continue to "eat
like pigs", but the pounds would remarkably still drop off. Willy tried it, and sure enough, soon
dropped to a slim 12 stones. He was delighted with his progress. Until the nightmare. His
stomach hadn't been well all day, "his bowel didn't know if it was coming or going" ("he'd a bit
of a hot arse, did he?"), and in his nightmare, his stomach began to rumble. He felt something
moving inside, and an intense pain. A snake's head burst from his stomach and looked him in the
eye. "For the love of St. Nicholas and the Seven Piles!!" Willy went to the doctor shortly after,
and the ashen-faced M.D. sent him to a Tropical Diseases specialist in Drogheda. The diet pill
was not a pill, but the egg of a Polynesian tape worm. Once the egg hatches, it eats all that its
host can throw at it, and grows to 30ft in length, and 4 inches wide. ("He had a fecking python
living in his dirtbox!!"). The tapeworm couldn't be killed - it would release a deadly toxin into its
host's system. The only way to get rid of it is to starve it for a week, and then tempt it out.
Through the only other exit wide enough to allow 4 inches - "the tradesman's entrance; the
chocolate highway; the brown chimney". Willy starved the tapeworm inside him, and squatted
over a saucer of milk. (The tapeworm couldn't resist the lactic acid.). When the head appeared,
the doctor was to grab it and pull the tapeworm out through Willy's aching hole. It took 3 weeks
for the ordeal to pass. Willy survived, but died within the year. Unable to face food, he shriveled
up to a 1 stone weakling, living in a shoebox, wrapped in cotton wool. As Rodge put an end to
his dieting plans, Podge reconnected his vibrating patches, and turned it back on...". oh yeah.
Podge questions his twin on the racket he's been making in the kitchen. Rodge had been
stacking away his freebie yogurts. There was a special offer in McStenky's Minimart, and the
dimmer twin had taken advantage, taking a load of new-fangled biofungal yogurt. This
marvellous new product released parasitic organisms into those who'd ingested it, and the mites
would scour through their body as a digestive aid, "cleaning me pipes", so to speak. Podge asks
if Rodge had released his address to the yogurt cult, as he saw it, and began the sorry tale of
Johnny Ballsac, from Brownlog Pass. Johnny too had been taken in by such yogurt tactics, and
filled out a survey for Gob yogurt. One week later, a young couple called to his door. They told
him that Gob was less a food product, and "more a way of life". They passed Johnny's father, an
old man sitting in front of the television, who hadn't spoken to his "fecking eejit" son in fifteen
years. The young couple offered Johnny a new life, and the curious chap started to attend Gob
meetings. At the final meeting, the head of Gob International, Yogi Gob, was present. Johnny
was transfixed, and believed everything the golden-locked leader had to say. He decided to leave
his home, and join the Gob Brotherhood. As he left, he bade farewell to his father, promising to
"prove you wrong, ya miserable auld fecker". His father turned from the television, and uttered
his first words to Johnny in 15 years - "you're a shitehawk, and you'll always be a shitehawk".
Johnny left, "with a big puss on him", and set off for his new life in San Francisco. At Gob
Headquarters, he turned all his worldly possessions over in return for a sheet, to cover his
privates. Next, he was assigned 5 wives - "one for each day of the working week!!". Suitably
chuffed, he sent a postcard home to his father - "I've got 5 wives!! Who's the shitehawk now?!".
He grew to enjoy the chantings and the ritual body hair shavings. One day, he was summoned
before Yogi once more. Another tremendous Podge outfit - sheet, red council triangle around
neck, flowing blonde tresses, golden halo. Yogi informed Johnny that he was the "chosen one",
that he was to become "one with Gob", that evening at a special party. Johnny scribbled another
postcard home - "I'm the chosen one!! Who's the shitehawk now?!". At his special party, Johnny
was strapped to a rack. It materialised that the only way to meet Gob was to go to the other side.
Johnny was to be their own sacrificial lamb. He suffered a three hour ordeal of excruciating
agony - he was skinned, had his insides cut out and burnt, and the old H.P.U.A. (Hot Poker Up
the Arse). Just before he passed away, Johnny remembered the words of his father, and croaked
"who's the shitehawk now?". Rodge decides that "those cults are a bugger on your back", and a
loud slurping noise seeps up from downstairs. Granny is at the biofungal yogurts. Having been
"backed up for 5 months after eating that dry cat food", the effect on her bowels will be akin to
flushing out the Channel Tunnel. Podge grabs a shovel. Rodge grabs the binliners and sees about
getting a skip.
The episode begins with Podge administering the finishing touches to Rodge's new tattoo. Inspired
by the fact that tattooes really scramble the eggs of his desired female, Sadie from the abbatoir,
he sees fit to have "babe magnet" scrawled on his forehead. Podge saw fit to rightly scrawl "gobsheen"
instead. Once finished, Rodge expresses a desire to get something pierced. Podge is not so inclined -
"you go ahead and pierce the arse off yourself". He leads into the tale of Dick Dalton, from Bogknobber.
Dick started his tattoo infatuation with a simple "I love Iron Maiden" inking (prompting Rodge -
"shite - I wish I'd thought of that".) Five years later, Dick had approximately 90% of his body surface
covered in tattooes. Much to Rodge's dismay, there were none of "butt naked wanton hussies with pert nipples".
Dick had taken the only job available to him in town, at Gusset's Meat Products. ("I've dropped a few
dead mongrels off there in me time". "You're a divil with that shotgun...".) The factory had no qualms
with what it put into its dog food - even accepting "C.B.S. cows". The factory mincer was the largest in
Europe, and it was Dick's job to make sure it ran smoothly - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He quickly worked his way up to
the position of head mincer, and soon after got married. To a young lady, complete with tattooes and piercings.
"One of them sado-machinists". They blatantly enjoyed shagging in skips. One year, for their anniversary,
Dick made his way to Dublin, to buy her a ring. And had it put through his eye. It didn't affect his sight.
"Through his meat, then". On his way back home, there was a problem with the mincer. Dick sorted it out, and
turned it back on. The twin speeding turbine motors created a giant electromagnetic pull, and Dick's
metal mickey was pulled into the mincer, with him close behind. He was minced to his torso. When another
worker stopped the machine, Dick was too mangled to save. He called for his wife. If he was pulled out,
he'd "only feck up the motors", and he would die anyway, so his wife hit the switch, and the mincer
finished the job. Podge pondered the likelihood of "some dog gagging on that fella's ring". Rodge took a mirror,
and claimed the joke was on Podge, as he had inked the offending tattoo backwards. Podge pointed out the
physics of mirrors. "Shite". The tattooist made his way to the shed to find some piercing tools - a staple gun
and a roll of barbed wire.
Rodge arrives in a dishevelled state, bitching about the "bastards, bastards" (students) who had
stripped him bollock naked, tied him to a lampost, spanked him stupid, and poured hot wax on his naked flesh.
And then rammed a bicycle pump up his arse. Podge played down this Rag Week indiscretion, claiming that
"most students get their come uppance". He recalled the tale of Betty Bulbin and Mary O'Hary, who had travelled
from Trim, Co. Meath in 1984, beginning in first year in U.C.D. They found a small bedsit in Rathmines,
and settled into their new lives. For Mary, it was an excellent opportunity to escape the clutches of her
possessive boyfriend, Gobdaw O'Herlihy. "If you ever leave me, Mary, you'll regret it". After a series of break-ins along their road, Mary's father arrived
to fit bars on their windows, for their safety. He also left family pooch Rex with them. Podge fantasised
over the mutt "being privy to 2 young ladies stripping naked every night", while Rodge thought "it'd be
great to be able to lick your own balls". The 2 girls got on with their life of study, bongs and Led Zeppelin.
One Friday evening, Mary stayed home whilst Betty went on the rip in Leeson Street. When she arrived back to the
darkened bedsit at 4.00am, she almost tripped over Rex. She was given a reassuring lick on the cheek by the animal she'd
brushed against. At noon, she was woken by a dripping sound. Upon investigation, she found Mary, with 1000 stab wounds, and her blood seeping
through the bedclothes. Rex was hanging from the ceiling by his tail, his throat slit. It became apparant that it was
no dog that had licked Betty's cheek. There was a message scrawled in blood on the dresser mirror : "I told Mary she'd
regret leaving me. You're lucky you didn't turn on the light, Betty, or you'd be dead too". In a panic, Betty ran to the window,
slipped on the congealed blood, and impaled herself on the bars. Rodge settled down, satisified at the hand that was
dealt to the students, his protruding bicycle pump causing Podge some distress.
Rodge comes back from another tourist shooting session in full military regalia. He claimed to have
bagged "a Jap and two Yanks", looking forward to the busload of Germans that was on its way. An ambush at
Devil's Horde Ridge was in the pipeline. Podge favoured offering a women-only B+B service. All this talk
of tourists led him to the tale of Pearce McCracken and Ernie O'Herlihy, from Schlongsville, Massachusetts,
who had travelled to Ireland in search of their ancestors. Their research brought them to a small midlands town,
Ballybollock. They had to leave their car and walk the "treacherous dirt path through the bog to reach downtown
Ballybollock". Once in the town, they headed to the Stickit Inn, where they lorded in "with their fat American arses".
"Top of the evening to y'all", and they ordered pints of stout. Attempting to make polite conversation, Ernie stated that it was "great weather
for ducks". The pub fell silent, and the barman hinted that "it'd be best if you two fecked off out of here". The 2 left, stopping only
when an old lady approached them with half a loaf of bread each, and some advice : "don't eat it until you get to the other
side of the bog. And stick to the path". Needless to say, Pearce tore into his half-loaf. Two hours later, they came to the conclusion that they were lost.
They heard an unearthly squeal, and felt something approaching. "Probably just a moose", reckoned Pearce.
Minutes later, he was slaughtered. Ernie began to run, tiring quickly from the heavy bog ground. He dropped his bread.
His pursuer seemed to stop. He reached his car, got inside, drove, and was never seen again. The next day, the locals found
Pearce's severed, eyeless head. Rodge laughs at the news that it was a duck's doing. "To die by the beak of the Devil Duck
of Ballybollock is no laughing matter". The locals knew the tale of a greedy farmer, who attempted to cash in on the duck liver paté
market by artificially bloating his ducks by overfeeding them. One grew to a height of six feet, and broke out from his
pen one day, getting its first taste of human flesh. It ripped the farmer's eyes from his head, and tore his head from his shoulders.
And it is still at large to this day. It was the bread that had saved Ernie's life. Podge then catches Rodge unawares - shouting "duck!",
swinging Pox and poleaxing his brother.
In the absence of Rodge, Pox finds a whiskey bottle under his pillow. Podge gratefully accepts, and takes
a generous slug from it. Rodge arrives, cursing Granny for being a "noose around our necks", and asks when she's going to die.
"Eh, February 28th," replies Podge. "When the deposit on the plot runs out". Rodge speaks of his infatuation with
"I Dream Of Jeannie", claiming that she is "sex on legs", and fiddling with himself under the covers for the first of MANY times.
Podge, however, states that "it'd be a cold day in Tullamore before I'd accept a wish from a genie". He tells the tale of Fergal Scuttle,
a fisherman from Dong, County Tipperary. One day, he caught a bottle in his nets, with "hie..here..hi..strange writing" on it. He gave it a rub, and
a beautiful genie appeared in a puff of pink smoke. "She had the face of Mary Black, the legs of Linda Martin, and the bustline of Twink".
The genie spoke of how she had been trapped in the bottle for 5000 years, and that she was now Fergal's slave. With 3 wishes for him. First wish - "I wish
I was a millionaire", and he finds himself in a mansion, surrounded by luxury. He becomes besotted with his genie, and offers
to end her 5000 years without passion. She is having none of it. So he uses another of his wishes, and she has to shag him. Once under
the sheets, the genie begins to giggle. "Forgive me, master, but I have never seen one so small". Wish no.3 - "I wish to be hung like a horse".
"So what did he say when his final wish came through?" "Aaauugghh!!", as he hung from the ceiling by his neck. The genie, unfamiliar with modern terms,
had taken Fergal literally. As he choked away, she laughed at "his little lad" one last time, and made her way back into her bottle. "For the love of St. Ursula
and the rabbit lepers, that's shocking". Rodge then goes looking for the sample of Granny's piss that he'd left in a whiskey bottle for Dr. Freenam.
Podge retches, farts, and feels bad about what he's done.
Rodge returns back from a hot date with Sadie, sporting a love bite that the feisty filly has bestowed upon him. His brother christens him a "fecking lumped eejit", but Rodge is smitten. Sadie has suggested that the two sell the Manor - a kip, as she would have it. Podge is not impressed. "What the feck would a boner from the slaughterhouse know about the property market?". They diverge, and it appears that the Rash place is up for sale. Podge remarks that Jock Rash will always have a roof over his head - he was doing life, having "chopped up his wife in a drunken rage, and put her bits in a bag". Rodge pays his respect, saying fondly that "everyone liked Fanny Rash". The terrible crime had been reported when neighbours heard Fanny screaming that fateful day. They called the police, and the plod arrived 3 days later - "as they do". Jock was cool about it, telling them that his wife had gone back home to Dumfarton, Scotland. Some days later, Detective Spunk Murphy of the Limerick C.I.D. showed up. He made Jock very nervous, probing him, and drove the Scot to the decision that he would have to get rid of his wife's body. He dug the body parts up from under the floorboads, put them in a bag, and boarded a train. His intention was to get off at some no-name town, and dispose of the body. He was shocked when Detective Spunk Murphy approached him on the train, but Jock relaxed when Murphy informed him that he was on the train to apprehend a known drug dealer. Then Murphy let slip that a police team would be getting on at the next stop, to go through all the luggage. Jock excused himself, and went to the luggage compartment. He took the nametag off his bag, put it on another which was almost identical, and hurled his wife's remains out the window. At the next stop, after the search, the passengers were asked to go and reclaim their luggage. Jock went confidently to his bag. Detective Murphy was standing over it. Jock had no qualms when the detective asked to go through his bag once more, and gasped in horror as the jigsaw pieces of a woman's body fell out. He was so confused, he confessed to the crime straight away. Even if it wasn't his wife's body that had fallen out, but the body of Detective Spunk Murphy's pretty but unfulfilling young wife. The cop needed a scapegoat, and he had one. Podge asks if Rodge intended to move in with Sadie, and to enjoy such luxuries as an indoor toilet. After being told that Granny needed the constant care of two people, and as such could not stay with Podge alone, Rodge watches his love-nest dream fade away as Podge asks "how is Sadie with incontinence pads?".
Podge reprimands his "pervo" brother as he bowls in wrapped in chains. Rodge has a valid excuse - he has been taking escapology classes over at Pubicstown Library, and sees himself as "the Great Rodgini". "The Great Gobsheeni is more like it". This talk of escapology leads Podge to the tale of Gus "The Mole" Geraghty, Ireland's premier bank robber. Gus had been in and out of jail, unable to keep his ability to crack into any safe under control. Eventually, the judge sent him away to The Hole, on Hole Island. Gus was the model inmate, but always planning his escape. After 6 months, he was working in the prison kitchen. He had fashioned a key from a fork, that would get him out of his cell, but was forced to swallow it each night. He worked his way up to head chef, and struck a deal with Frank "Death" D'Arcy, who worked in the morgue. D'Arcy was a bent screw, and for £20,000, he agreed to help Gus escape. The plan was ingenious - Tommy Rancid was at death's door, suffering from terminal gout of the bowel. As soon as he died, Gus was to make his way to the morgue, and join Tommy in his air-holed coffin. The coffin would be removed from the prison, and buried. Frank D'Arcy would then dig the coffin back up, and Gus would be free. All went to plan - Tommy passed on, and Gus climbed into the coffin. He felt the sensation of being buried, and waited patiently for D'Arcy. Hours later, with panic setting away, he lit his lighter to check the time. The face staring back at him in the coffin was that of Frank D'Arcy. The guard had also died, without Gus knowing. "He managed to slip out of one hole and into another". Except he would never leave this hole. Rodge then attempts to show his talents off - doused in petrol and wrapped in chains, he gets Podge to set him alight. As Podge sets off for Miss Dominina with Pox and the clamps, his dim brother is beginning to smoulder.
Rodge bounds in the door, consumed with his latest craze, spangly shirts, headbands and dance. "The Scourge of The Dance", as Podge would have it. He remarks that his brother is looking "a little large upfront". Rodge claims that in dance, one needs to stand out. "Stand out? You'd take someone's eye out with that". Pox clambers out of Rodge's kacks, his claws doing some damage. Podge moves on - "Jaysus, what did I tell you about competitions? They all end in disaster". He speaks of the fiercely competitive nuns of Bumboil Abbey, who took on their sister abbeys in such competitons as longest vow of silence, toilet abstinence, most pious face, and the most rewarding of all - the oldest nun. For this last catagory, the Pope himself (JP2) would visit the abbey of the winning nun. One particular year, Bumboil Abbey was sure to win - Sister Angina was 152 years of age, with her nearest rival from Krakatoa 6 months the younger . Sister Sledge was so confident of winning that she set about cleaning the abbey from top to bottom in honour of the Pope's visit, even before the competition was over. She wielded her whip, ordering that her nuns "scrub for Jesus". (It appears that The Golden Arse of Licki Bum Bum found its way to Bumboil Abbey - it was among the items cleaned to perfection. No surprise that things went a bit shitty, then). Needless to say, Sister Angina slipped on the over-polished floors, fell, and broke her neck. Sister Sledge was not giving up - she contacted her ex-missionary friend, Fr. Fintan Fondell. The next morning, Sr. Angina appeared at the breakfast table. Fr. Fondell had worked his voodoo magic, leaving the zombie nun in a state of pseudo life. The Abbey won the competition, and the Pope and his entourage arrived. As he offered his ring to Sr. Angina to kiss, the zombie nun bit his fingers off. The foolish Sr. Sledge had overlooked the "flesh-eating blood lust of the undead". The enraged Pope excommunicated all the nuns, and closed the abbey. It is rumoured that Sister Sledge and a few renegade nuns still live in the cellars, worshipping Il Papa's fingers, which they had cut out of the zombie nun's stomach. This tale takes the competitive edge off Rodge, who now has to inform his dancing partner, Janet Ní Crotch. "Formally James Ó Crotch". "I wondered where I was getting the beard rash from".
Rodge floats in to the sound of fierce ragga tunes, sporting rasta hat, Munky dreads, and a spliff the size of his arm. Spouting lyrical lines about his "special rhubarb leaf, man, it mellows you out", he is brought back to Ballydung by a clatter from his brother. "You're wrecking me buzz!!". Podge threatens to wreck more than his buzz, scolding him for raiding Mrs. Minge's alottment, and her only just recently deceased. He tells the Tarantino-esque tale of Brad Fukoffski, from Méféin, Michigan, and of one important day in Brad's life. (Not "one of them transtesticle operations", much to Rodge's dissapointment). It was a cocaine deal, involving Don Keyhole, the biggest head in the city. As his cronies checked the goods, Brad drew his weapon and shot everyone of them. As he drove away, a very rich man, his mobile phone rang. A voice he recognised told him that one of the men had been wired, and that the cops were onto him. He was puzzled, as he was sure he knew the voice. "Hey, who the f**k are you, and what the f**k do you want, for f**k's sake?". The voice persisted, telling him to change his plans. "Listen, joker. I don't f**king particularly appreciate you f**king with my mind at this particular point in my f**king career, so why don't you tell me who the f**k you are, and where the f**k you got my number?" Eventually, with the stranger telling him that he was Brad, 60 years in the future, calling him on a futurephone, just after cutting the prison warden's neck, and sharing certain facts that only Brad himself would know, Brad believed him. In order to avoid 60 years of incarceration, Brad Future had arranged a new identity and passport, thus avoiding the desk where he would have been caught. His new name was to be Norman Bore. "F**king A, that's the f**king name I would have f**king chosen!!". Brad did as he was told, and made it to Mexico safely, where he enjoyed his new life in the sun. One day, as he made his way to the bank to deposit his money, his mobile phone began to ring once more. A crazed lunatic ran from the bank, and with Brad in his way, he shot him. Brad dropped to the ground, his heart stopped, and the phone stopped ringing. With the tale told, Podge turned his attention to the "waccy baccy", asking what it was like. He turns down Rodge's offer of a toke, citing that he had "a strong constitution". He relents, and has a puff. "Hey man, this is some rrrrighteous weed". As reggae colours swirl about the Manor, Podge calls to "hit me with some sensational sounds", going off on a ragga tip.
Podge inquires where his brother had been on such a shocking night. Rodge claims to have had a gypsy taking a look at his balls. It materialises that she had been looking into his future, predicting a windfall in the near future. His brother asks when he'll "stop flittle flattling around wth the supernatural". He cites the case of Catriona Eczema, from Rash Ring. She paid Madame Vargina (the number one pyschic in the country), who promised Catriona that she'd meet and marry a man, and find her fortune. Suitably excited, Catriona began to check out every man she met, wondering if he was her ticket to riches. One day in a pub, she overheard Benji Swillshank boasting that he was the number one cigar importer in Ireland. Despite the fact that he was "a pig ugly bastard with breath like a rhino's colon", Catriona approached him, and they began to court. Soon enough, they were married, and Catriona was a little surprised to be carted off to a modest "shithole" of a house. She asked Benji about his fortunes, which he explained were held by his dying father. Catriona then let the foul man have his way with her, doing all sort of unsavoury things with cigars. The next day, Benji's father died. He had been a lousy book-keeper, and as such lost all his fortune to the tax vultures. Catriona, realising her fortune had disappeared, left the house, with murder on her mind. She headed for a D.I.Y. store to pick up some rat poison, to do away with Benji. In the store, lights began to flash, and she was hailed as the millionth customer. Winning a cool million pounds. She went back to Benji's to pack, telling him where to stick his marriage. In a fit of jealousy, the cigar importer fucked his departing wife down the stairs, and she died in a crumpled heap at the bottom. With her precious money all over her. Rodge ponders the meaning of "windfall", and another piece of the ceiling falls and clocks him.
As Podge asks Pox if he's carrying the Ebola virus, Rodge returns from doing the laundry. He's picked up 5 pairs of panties, 2 bras, and a pair of nylon stockings. He remarks that Feel 'Em Up Finbarr has returned from his holidays, having had "a miserable time by all accounts". Which is compared by Podge to the trauma suffered by Turlough and Hannah O'Ride. The 2 had booked their first holiday in five years, with the man from Spewtum's Travel recommending Mexico for its "sun, sea, sand, and other stuff". A neighbour, Mrs. Splatter, was roped into looking after Hannah's invalid mother while they were away. She was late, but she had keys, so they left before she arrived. En route to their car, the couple were nearly mowed down by a "joyriding gobsheen eejit". Then the hassles really began. There was a 10 hour delay for the plane, and they suffered a 5 hour ride in the back of a truck to get to their hotel, which was little more than a corrugated shed. Their room was small and windowless, the bathwater was brown, and they shared their bed with a fantastic assortment of insects and animals. The nearest beach was 40 miles away, and served as a sewage dump for the town of Shitoga. Hannah suffered a cataclysmic bout of diarrhoea, and Turlough spent four days in bed with a swollen lad. When their room was ransacked, it was the final straw. They left for home, and were greeted with the putrid stench of rotten flesh when they got in the door. Hannah's mother was in the chair where they had left her, in stage six of rigor mortis. Mrs. Splatter had never made it to their house - she had been mowed down and killed by the "same joyriding bastard" on the day they had left. The 2 boys contemplate such a demise for Granny, who is well pissed off, and terrorises them with her head-spinning trick.
Podge returns from the boxing match - Granny had floored Mrs. Leeky. His "lazy gobsheen" brother was still in bed, but had been "up all day". With a raging boner. Podge reminds him that Viagra was for bulls only, and recommended rubbing it, to try "take a foot off it", but rubbing had an adverse effect. He claims that Rodge's situation was by no means as embarassing as that of Shane Cyst, from Squitter's Bridge. Shane was manning the pumps in Cyst's Service Station one day, when a young beauty pulled up in a sports car. Her name was Milandra Potter-Pube, she was well off, and evidently out of Shane's league, but she gave him the "glad eye". They got talking, and began dating. She invited him to a dinner in her parents' place, where she intended to announce their impending engagament. Shane was shocked - a woman like her, marrying someone like him? He was nervous as he pulled up to Pube Manor. Milandra introduced him to her family and friends, and shortly after made the announcement. Her father asked for a little more time to get to know Shane, "a decent enough gentleman", as he saw it. Shane was relieved, and felt a sudden urge to visit the toilet. Here, he had a horrendous evacuation. When all was done, he tried to flush the toilet. The bog was having none of it. He poked at its contents with the loo brush, all to no avail. There was only one thing for it : he rolled his sleeves up and flung the pagan pile out the window. He washed his hands, and returned to the dining room. There was a deathly silence, and cold stares all around. He glanced at Milandra, who pointed upwards. There, on the glass conservatory roof overhead, was the result of his recent bowel movement. He left, and Milandra ended up marrying some Dublin ponce. Like his shite, Shane Cysts's dreams of marrying into money had gone out the window.
With the exorcism cancelled, Podge was still in bed when Rodge sneaks quietly back into the manor, with his special video. A "follow up to Titanic", "Going Down", starring Leonardo Di Cockringo and Kate Whipsit. Podge rebukes this behaviour ("there's nothing wrong with my eyesight!"), and moves on to the tale of Dave Knuckleshuffle from Heehaw, County Boil. Dave was a lonely guy who kept to himself, and his only release was the romantic comedies he rented from Midnight Movies. One day, he sidled into the adult section, and picked up the first video he came across - "Debbie Does Dallas". The Fast Show-esque clerk took Dave into the backroom for something that'd be a bit more suitable for him. He offered him a video entitled "Dave". Dave took it home, and put it on. A beautiful woman greeted him on screen, and took him through a seductive meal. She moved upstairs, undressed, and asked Dave to do all sorts of things to her. Suddenly, her husband John burst on screen. He shot her, and then himself. Horrified, Dave heard a knock at the door. The local cops barged in, and questioned Dave about a video that had been found at the scene of a double murder. The footage on Dave's t.v. was all the proof they needed, and they hauled the protesting innocent "sick bastard" away. As Rodge fell asleep, Podge flicked through his video collection, choosing "Driving Muff Daisy", starring Sighorny Weaver and Gwyneth Poorlow.
Rodge ponces in with his new hair cut - Sadie had used the black from the black pudding to colour his tresses. All this "keeping up appearances" malarkey reminds Podge of Ozzy Dorgan, from Slurry. Ozzy had been proud of his appearance, always sporting the latest cardigans and the like. He had a fine girlfriend, and a swanky batchelor pad. One day, much to his horror, his hair began to fall out. Baldness had been a problem in his family - his father was known as "Cue Ball". Ozzy tried every hair care product on the market, but nothing worked. His girlfriend grew impatient with him, and told him not to call her until he had calmed down. One night, he noticed an advertisement on television, for a revolutionary new hair restoration product. He got some, and ignored the instructions for careful use, wasting an entire bottle on his ceann. The next morning, he had a full head of hair once more. By lunch time, it was down to his shoulders. When his girlfriend called over that evening, there was hair caught in his throat, growing from his larynx. Soon after, his entire body was covered in hair, and he died an agonising death, with his lungs covered in hair. Rodge mentally decides to take it easier on the appearance front.
The 2 boys begin their guest slot on The Late Late Show by declaring that host Gay Byrne is nothing more than a "little fella", and could fit in a handbag. Rodge is hoping for a free ride at Funderland as part of the "one for everyone in the audience" routine. He would have no problem with giving one to all the ladies in the audience. The 2 give up all hopes of acquiring a free hotel room for the night, stating that their host is "too elderly for a night of unbridled lust". Their Christmas activities are to include the Black Mass at 12 midnight, and a visit from Fr. Flange and his head-shrinking abilities. They recount once more the tale of the Moores from Mullinasnot, and their terrible three-trouser-leg affliction. Podge asks for sponsorship for the Doolin boy (the most possessed boy in Ireland - 1000 demons and still counting), as the Sisters Of The Nine Ninjas want to send him to meet Mickey Mouse in Disneyland. Fund-raising events so far included the dolphin shoot, Guess When The Monkey Is Going To Die, and the O'Tooles (Féilim and Scrotum) were holding a dung-eating contest. With Rodge suitably distracted, Podge tells his main reason for being in the capital. Rodge, at 46 years of age, had never "baited the badger". He had never "docked with space station Mir", never "battered his sausage". His kind brother had arranged a "short term liason" for him. The surprise was ruined when Rodge rummaged beneath, and found the blow-up doll.
What happened when the boys took over Network 2 at Hallowe'en.
What happened when the boys took over Network 2 at Christmas.
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